karma is a bitch

the universe has a funny way of working. im about to tell you this is how i see things and how i think. just try and hear me out.

anyway *flips hair*

i used to wonder why bad things happen to good people, before i realized that all good and all bad is just perception. my philosophy professor asked the class: what is 'good'. after a series of questions where he proved to us in every good there was bad, we realized that the only thing that is "good" is "good" itself. the idea and the thought of "good" only truly exists in forms of the matter; "forms of goodness". what is good for me may not be good for you, etcetra etcetra. i now know what good is, so it makes it easier for me to know why i have experienced droughts in my life with no umbrella to shelter the rain.

i broke a lot of hearts. left a couple relationships where he was crying and asking for me back and i didnt care. i did the whole "heartless" thing, that whole "fuck your feelings" thing. i guess i decided to give up that life and really give my whole into a good relationship. i was single for about 8 months after getting out of a somewhat long relationship that ended badly. met a new guy. he was cool. talked for 3 months, got to know each other. started dating. fell in "love" and then, i got played. shit was like a cold hard slap in the face. i wouldnt call it a heartbreak because i wasnt that in love with the dude. in order to have your heartbroken you had to have trusted that person completely with it. im not yet brave enough to let someone have complete control over my mindset and emotions like that.

so its safe to say that this shit was a reality check more than anything. you cant be out here stomping on peoples hearts and then one day decide to up and change without getting a taste of your own medicine. i didnt even give myself enough time to find happiness as a single woman. i think thats what a lot of peoples mistake is in relationships. they struggle to find happiness single so they think they can find it with someone else. they rush into relationships with the first person that can make them laugh. in the end, they're left crying or hurt, feeling like a train-wreck because really that's what they are. they boarded the first train to stop at their station, quickly, with all of their luggage, hoping the conductor knew what they were doing. not knowing anything about the conductor, they trust them because of the title they have and the crash comes as a shock. the crash hurts and they are left disappointed that they went so far on a hellbound train.

my mistake was that i played the conductor role for years and wanted to put that behind me so bad that i acted like it never existed.

but i've picked myself up from that train wreck. dusted my shoulders off and left all the luggage behind in the dust. now, i just have to try and play my role as a human being and be "good" as best as i know how. i know what i have to do, its just a matter of me doing it.

yeah karma was a bitch, but thats because i was a bitch. not saying i deserved to be treated like shit, but i deserved to find out for myself that i deserve better.

the universe sure has a weird way of telling me these things.
my og said that every flower needs rain to grow.


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