#RugbyComeUpStory

i was a sweetheart in elementary school. naive as fuck cuz i had everything i could wish for. then my sisters were born when i was 10. i love my sisters they're the best thing that ever happened to me, but when they came, needless to say life changed.
we had to move out of our apartment, it was too small to hold all 6 of us. so we found a nice house in west orange, and i was just starting middle school.
life sucks being the new kid.
no one knew me, so those 7th and 8th graders gave me hell. i was chubby and my forehead was huge (i grew into it) so i got bullied like hell. big forehead this, big forehead that. most of the time, it was boys doing the bullying. shit gave me suicidal thoughts and ruined my self esteem for a while.
i was depressed, i had no friends, i missed bloomfield.
things got rough with my parents now that they were paying mortgage. my mom had to stop working to raise the twins. money was tight and became an issue. my brother was going through a "finding himself" phase and started listening to more and more hard rap which drove my father crazy. my brother and my dad's relationship was falling off. my brother and my mother's relationship was falling off. my father was never home because he was always on business trips or at work, so even though he hadnt done anything wrong, yet, yet, to me, personally, yet he was never there.
he missed every one of my birthdays from the time i was 5 until i was 16. was there for my 17th, but then missed my 18th.
my father did some things i cant really forgive him for when i was in middle school. i was always able to forgive him for his bullshit, but some of the things he did when i was 13, 14, i can neither forgive nor forget. i'd go into more detail but i think i went into enough about that. you can read my book if you really want to know.

anywho it was entering my freshman year of high school that i decided "fuck my father" and cut him off. i joined the color guard (intl. bronze medalist, west orange high school color guard, youtube it) and made friends. i was still big forehead chubby tubby, but people were growing up and started to leave me alone. color guard helped me lose weight, and as i continued to grow through puberty, i got prettier and my body got curvy, my ass got fatter, and i found a good straightener for my hair. all of my friends were upperclassmen. started smoking weed sophomore year. i got a tattoo sophomore year. this ruined the trust between my mother and me who suspected my stoner ways and found out about my secret tattoo because of a teacher who snitched. she took me to take a drug test and i got LUCKY as hell, because the test results got switched and my piss came out clean even though i had smoked some legit purp two days before. so i was off the hook with my mother for a little bit, but in the back of her head, i just know she knew i was still getting high.

anyway, i wouldnt say i was popular but i was liked. i was involved, did poetry, acted, and all that geeky stuff. by sophomore year, i got 3-4 apologies from boys that bullied me in middle school.

i forgave them.

boys started to show an interest in me for the first time. it happened really fast around my junior year. i was looking for male acceptance and didnt know where to find it since the offers were everywhere. i had sex for the first time. the guy i gave my virginity to, i asked him to stop because it hurt and he moved to texas the next week. i was glad we didnt really have sex because it would have hurt knowing he fucked and left. but he did pop my cherry, and thats all that really matters.

i was wild. i went to parties and was the main person twerking. i was having fun, but i was a wild child.

the next boy i had sex with opened his mouth to the world and i gained a bad rep, during my junior year, my "hoe phase'. it didnt help that rumors, some true some false were being spread. my closest girls and i were feuding, the only people who really had my back were some girls on the color guard and a few others but i didnt really know who to trust.

i continued to write poetry and act, and spin. by senior year, all of my friends that i had that were upperclassmen had graduated and once again, i felt like the new kid. lonely.
people thought i graduated 2010 when i was c/o 2011. i had like 3 or 4 friends all of senior year.
i was beefing with underclassmen who loved to have my name in their mouth. in high school, i talked to guys, but not seriously. they all told me they loved me and i never told em i loved em back. i left 4 guys with tears and not a care. i had a boyfriend the summer of my senior year. he was in love. i didnt care, we broke up. a month later i had a new boyfriend who i dated for a majority of my senior year. it was a nice relationship that ended terribly. it left me scarred, hurt, and what one might call a bitter bitch for quite a while.

i had sex while i was drunk as fuck and high after prom night with a thug who lied on his dick afterwards and i decided i did not want anything to do with men or liquor anymore.

so i didnt talk to another guy for six months. i entered college determined not to make the same mistakes i did in high school so i put every guy who tried to get at me in the friend zone. but then i met this guy who i followed on twitter. he was cool, a pothead, listened to good music, rapped, had dreads. he was a gemini too. we talked for about 3 months, getting to know each other. we finally had our first kiss and that was my boo. he gave me head. we had sex. we had sex again. he asked me to be his girl. i was his girl. the relationship went through a lot of bullshit winter break though. he got kicked out of his mothers house and she took his car, we barely saw each other. in the back of my mind, i knew he was cheating. we only saw each other once or twice every week and it was hard for us to have sex w. each other and i know how men are. h was home alone when he wasnt at school, so to think he was sitting there high by himself all day was stupid. but i never said anything, i was too happy. we went to washington dc together for a day trip. went to a museum, got subway together, took a 5 hour busride both ways together. 2 days later i went on his twitter and he tweeted that he was back with his ex, spending the night with her. he unfollowed me and all of my friends that he followed. break up via subtweet basically.

that was about a month ago.

at the realization that in the past 3 years, i went through 3 boyfriends and only had 6 months of "me time" i made the decision that i needed to chill. i wouldnt call myself the person who needs to be in a relationship all the time or someone who isnt happy being by themself because i am perfectly fine being single. its just when i like a guy it is easy for me to get blinded at the idea of what could be instead of what it really is. like my last relationship where i was so happy when we were together that i ignored the fact he was cheating on me with his ex.

at this point in my life , i do not want any distractions. fuckboys disguise themselves as good men and i have been foolish before. i dont have the time to sift through who would be healthy for me and who wouldnt. its not that i dont want to be loved, i just know i can love myself enough to wait a little bit. to chill, enjoy being by myself and breathe for awhile. im not friends with the same people anymore, i have things to take care of at home. i need to focus on that and keep all the negative energy out of my life. so as soon as i see a change in someone that i dont like or sense that they arent genuine, im not going to give them time to change. i dont care, not everyones going to be here with me forever and im ok with that. so if i dont fuck with you right now, i more than likely wont fuck with you tomorrow.

it is what it is really.




and shoutout to eddie cuz he asked

follow me on Twitter @RughdaWtfYo